One Little Word - Action & Inaction

A major realization for me this year in relation to One Little Word – Action – it in turn related to the opposite of my word: INACTION. I’m still working through all the potential and possibilities, but an early discovery and adjustment to my schedule toward this is meditation. Initially, I was trying to tick off this box, this meditation “to do” in the evenings, thinking that it would be a great way to end my day. But I was getting overwhelmed with all my Daily Practices piling up at the end of the night.

So when I shifted this practice to my lunch hour, my sole thought was to accomplish it without having it stacked among other practices. But holy shit has this small scheduling change ever made a huge difference to my overall day! Just taking 10 minutes for myself in my car allows me to regroup and start my afternoon with a fresh and clear mind.

Some days I can tell that I really needed it – that time I shouted at the app for example – and I may not be 100% focused for those session, but they still have a huge impact on my mental energy.

About the app

I use Headspace, which is a free app…for the first 10 sessions. Which, to be honest, is a great start and you can get a lot out of those 10 freebies. I’ve been doing them pretty consistently for a few months, and I am still enjoying the free sessions. All I need is a guide, a reminder, and I am not looking to more into more complicated or specific meditation just yet. If you’re looking for an app to help you get started, I would definitely recommend this one. Cute cartoons, soothing, slightly accented voice…it’s nice and I feel like 10 minutes is totally doable for most people. The app is free to start, and very easy to use, so it is fairly accessible as well.

I am thinking about “Action” & “Inaction” in terms of self-care right now, incorporating each into each other, and thanks in part to my current volunteer training sessions, I have been thinking about accessibility as it relates to self-care, and what messages we get from society around self-care. Audre Lorde was a writer, feminist, womanist and civil rights activist, and she has a great quote about self-care that is stuck in my head: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

She was speaking specifically to her role as a black woman, and while I don’t want to separate that aspect of her work and writing, I also think this quote can apply to other marginalized identities and poor folks. When privileged people seek self-care, it appears in a magazine with a glitzy headline or in Mom’s groups on Facebook with a lot of emphatic head-nodding and encouragement. And when a poor or marginalized person does it, they’re considered lazy or selfish, spending money on something they “can’t afford”, a luxury item.

Self-care is not a luxury item.

We also put a lot of emphasis on the idea that self-care should cost money. Whether we’re talking about yoga classes, spa days, shopping sprees, or whatever other “buy this and feel better” message we are inundated with in our daily lives. In reality, all that is needed for self-care is a thing you love to do, which can be as simple as a snuggle with your dog, a quiet moment in your car before you head to your next shift, going for a walk with your friend or partner.

We don’t do a good job teaching people how to engage in self-care, but we are a capitalist society so we are really good at telling people to buy things and putting a monetary value on everything. And as an extension of that, putting a status marker on it.

Taking time for ourselves – especially as women, especially in a society that (over)values productivity and work, especially in a society that tells us that as women our role is to serve and care for others – is a radical act, because it is not valued unless it is done within approved societal parameters. That is, unless you buy something, or reinforce your role as worker or as caregiver.

And yes, I realize that I am snarking on capitalism over here, at the same time as I am recommending an app BUT why not use the tools of our oppression to break those chains?!

Okay. That got a little heavy at the end there. Many people have explored this topic more eloquently and in more depth than I have here. I have posted links to some of those articles below. Please feel free to add more in the Comments! I am also on the lookout for more info on the intersection between self-care, politics, feminism and oppression!

xo

Further Reading:
Caring About Self-Care
Self Care as "An Act of Political Warfare" (exploring a quote from activist Audre Lorde)
The Politics of Self Care
For Black Women, Self-Care is a Radical Act

Language Matters

I shared this image on Facebook this morning.

Tod is my first cousin once removed. He's a cool, smart guy, I like him a lot. But I was uncomfortable with his response to my post, but I couldn't fully articulate why. It felt like a brush off, like a response that people (women...me...) get when we are dismissed. Like I don't know why I posted this. Like I need a lesson.

So I replied "Nope" because what the fuck else what I supposed to say in that moment?!

And I thought about it all afternoon. Like I have been thinking about Philandro Castile, and Alton Sterling, and Lavish Reynolds, and BLM TO, and the people of Turkey and Baghdad...

And I wanted to respond. I want to respond.

Thankfully, I was doing dishes tonight so I had some time to think and keep my hands busy. And this is what I came up with.

Language is important, it is powerful. It influences the way we look at and interact with the world and the people in it. And it reveals and protects and reinforces privilege and ignorance.

All I have to do is look at how people portray and talk about (white) male rapists ("lost potential"), or black shooting victims ("troubled history, criminal record"), or throw around the words "crazy" and "retarded" to know how devastating labels are.

Us white people have a hard time with the words "Muslim" and "Terrorist." We tend to equate them: Muslim = Terrorist. We don't tend to label the Christians or atheists who commit terror crimes as "Christian Terrorist". Look at Robert Dear, who terrorized his partner, and his neighbours, and abortion clinics. We call him a "misunderstood loner". We don't equate his religion with his crimes, and we don't paint all others like him with the same brush (perhaps to our detriment, but that's another blog post...).

Any step that I can take with my use of language to combat the inherent racism, discrimination, and intolerance in a word or label, I'm going to do it.

So yes, Daesh calls themselves "Muslims" and says they are doing the work of Islam. But to them I say fuck off. You are unlike any Muslim I have ever known, ever heard speak, ever watched react to their community being destroyed by bombs (and by hate). I refuse to connect Daesh to these Muslims.

And it might just be "semantics" but that is everything.

Can We Talk About Something More Pleasant

I don't get to talk about why I'm a vegetarian. I get it. It's a tough subject to bring up because no one wants to listen to a militant vegan shout at you for eating honey (it happens...)

But you know what I do get to talk about, that I really don't want to talk about?

Your Diet.

I have a lot of feelings about this one, and they all boil down to the fact that it has taken me a lot of years to be really okay with the fact that my body looks the way it does, the way that society tells me I should not be happy about. And your diet talk and body talk brings all those shit feelings back. So please try to understand when I change the topic, or disengage, or walk away from this conversation.

I have been trying to put my feelings toward this into a blog post for awhile now, because it's getting really unbearable at work and with my friends. (Probably because it's going to be "bikini season" soon and please just shoot me now...)

And then I saw this post on Everyday Feminism, and I saw my feelings get put into words! Smart, good words that made sense, that I can use in my brain, and in my heart, and in my life.

All "8 Reasons Why I Don't Want To Hear About Your Diet" were SPOT ON, but one really hit home for me.

#4. I am bigger than you.

This one. This one hurts the most. When you talk about how much your fat body disgusts you, and how eating this cookie is going to make you so fat, or how you really need to lose this "extra weight" you shame yourself and you shame me. I'M FAT! I ate that cookie! My lunch was pizza with extra cheese instead of a salad with dressing on the side! I am doing and being all the things that make you cringe, that make you talk about your stupid diet!

What do you see when you see my body existing beside you everyday? Do you think I'm gross? Do I disgust you with my happy fat? If I asked you that, you would probably say no because you are my friend, but every time you use fat-shaming language to talk about your body, you are fat-shaming me. I get that you aren't even thinking about me when you talk like this, but maybe you should consider the people around you when you "bash your own weight" (as the author says).

The part that hurts my heart the most, and that makes me turn away and disengage, is the underlying message you are sending to me about your body, and my body, and other women's bodies around you. That I must be skinny to be happy. And that's bullshit.

Did you know that there isn't a single scientific study that proves that weight loss is the magic "cure all" for health problems that people claim it is?

Did you know that there is no long term data showing that there is ANY weight loss system or diet plan out there that allows participants to keep the weight "off" for a sustained period of time?

That the data we have actually proves that something like 95% of people who diet will not sustain their weight loss.

AND that most people who diet actually gain back MORE weight than what they lost?

So not only do I not want to hear about your diet talk because it hurts me, it also reminds me about the shit messages that we are bombarded with everyday that make us hate ourselves and buy more stuff to feel good about ourselves and then end up hating ourselves even more.

No thanks. I have happily excised myself from this vicious cycle and I don't need my friends and people that I care about trying to pull me back in.

I really enjoyed her point at the end, when she writes that she will not congratulate her friends on their weight loss, because...

"While I wish you well, I know the odds are stacked against you, and I don’t want to contribute to any shame you’re likely to experience if/when the weight returns.

I value you no matter what your body size."

I value myself and I value your friendship, and it has nothing to do with your presence or lack of muffin top.

xo

p.s. Quotes taken from 8 Reasons Why I Don't Want To Hear About Your Diet
Also, I realize I have not touched on some other issues surrounding diet talk, or dieting, or being a small fat person talking about this, but please take this as author bias only, and not a specific attempt to subvert or misdirect. There are of course other conversations to have, and I am only scratching the surface. These opinions are mine alone, and are incomplete. But I'm trying!

Feminist Thought of the Day

I am sick and tired of men not believing women when we say we are strong. I overheard this (almost) EXACT CONVERSATION at work the other day.

Man: "These boxes are really heavy, I will need help moving them."
Woman: "I can help. I am strong."
Man: "I don't know. They are really heavy."
Woman: "Trust me! I am strong! I work out!"
Man: "Actually, I think I will ask Other Man."
Woman: (Smiles) "Okay!"

Not to mention that this Woman works out everydamnday.
Not to mention that she is in the best physical shape of her life.
Not to mention that she is 30 years younger than this Man...


Dear Men.

You need to believe in women when they tell you something about themselves, their experiences, their abilities, their frustrations. You need to listen to us, and trust that we know our own shit, that we are experts on ourselves.

When I say "Men", I do mean ALL Men. #yesallmen. Because even if you aren't actually guilty of the above, you need to speak up when you hear other men participating in this bullshit. Because they don't listen to us, but they will listen to you. So speak up for us. But don't expect a cookie.

And if we try and fail, whatever. Men fail too. At least give us the chance to try.

xo

Book Lady

I was in a wonderful new library a couple of weeks ago.

Now, I am partial to those old, smelly libraries where the stacks reach the (low) roof, and go on forever and ever. Where the silence is a touchable thing, and has a life of its own. And where you could wander for hours and only cover two rows.

But this brand spanking new, shiny, still-with-the-glossy-wrapping intact library was cool too! I wandered a couple of aisles, and touched the spines of books that have never been touched, that have never had their spines cracked, or their pages dog-eared.

And I started thinking about the types of books I read, and how I choose them.

I am one of those people whom you would expect to be in a book club, but am not. I read a lot of books (as evidenced here, here and here), but I never plan out my list ahead of time. And I don't put any rules or guidelines on my reading. I just wander aimlessly through the world, and pick up books that look interesting.

And I don't necessarily think about who deserves my precious book-reading time, which authors I want to support. In my online puttering around, I have been finding many articles about female writers, and how often they get shit on just for being women. (A lot of women in traditionally "male fields" have that problem I think...).

There's that quote about "being the change you want to see in the world". Well, I want to see women succeed where traditionally they haven't, and I want to support and encourage that progress. And I want to learn from women with different backgrounds than myself, so I can be a better listener, and be more compassionate for those difference (and more appreciative).

In that vein, I have decided that I am going to finish out the year reading books by female authors. And I am so FRICKIN EXCITED!!

Any recommendations?

I've got these on my list so far...
Life Drawing and If I Love You I Would Tell You This by Robin Black

That second title sounds so delicious...

Irritable Hearts: A PTSD Love Story by Mac McClelland

Ongoingness by Sarah Manguso

The author laments about her failed attempts at keeping a diary (and her lost memories)

Her 37th Year: An Index by Suzanne Scanlon

I will be 35 this year, and I am kind of freaking out about it. I am hoping for some insights here! HA!

The Unraveling of Mercy Louis

Rape in small town America. I think this one is going to get me all riled up...

Anything by Judy Blume. I think Dude's school library has a bunch.

Unfortunately, this means I will have to put The Book of Negroes away again. But I have a feeling I will find some awesome, amazing, glorious titles and I won't feel so bad.

Further Reading on the Subject
Why Don't Men Read Books by Women?
Why I Only Read Books by Women in 2013
On Learning to Spell Women's Names While Men Buy My New Book For Their Wives
Read Her Like An Open Book

xo

On Being A White Feminist With A Son

My son is the only white boy in his class.

He is the minority in this one instance. And I think it hurts him, but I know that his status as a white man will never hurt him anywhere else in society. And it probably doesn't even hurt him now, But I'm his Mom, so I'm biased. But I get that.

But you know what I also see when I look at his group of male peers? I see such a beautiful diverse group of boys. Brown boys, black boys, native boys, asian boys, other kind of brown boys. I'm not going to comment on perceived nationalities or ethnicity here. The neighbourhood my son & his dad live in is full of immigrants from every part of the world, as well as some Canadians who are POC so I don't want to assume anything in terms of who came from where, and how they might identify.

And ultimately I know that every single boy in his class will probably experience some kind of racism, or discrimination based on his skin colour as he grows up. Some probably even experience it now, as no child lives in a vacuum and a 9 year is pretty observant to the things his parents and relatives experience. At least My Dude is.

And this breaks my heart. Why should these smart, creative, clever, artistic rascals be set back for something as superficial as their skin colour? I see each of them as I see My Dude. Learning about the world, about themselves, about their peers, about their place. And it is so stupid to think that they are automatically worse off than my socially awkward son because he is white and they are not. Ugh.

I see the colours because that is the world that I grew up in. I try not to, but I do. But I also see the personalities behind the colours. I have know some of these boys for their entire school life. I chat with them when I drop Dude off at school. They call me Mrs. Kercher or "Lucas' Mom" and I compliment them on their shoes, or ask them about school. I joke and I laugh, because ultimately they are just a pack of unruly 9-year old boys, and I've got a line on that! I smile at their Moms with the smile that says "I may not know your name, but I know you" and "sigh...boys" at the same time. We commiserate with our eyes, but we never chat. I'm just not good with people...a detriment to me and Dude I think in times like this.

I hope he always has this diverse cast of people around him. I hope he continues with these boys into junior high and high school. I hope he makes friends with them (heck, with anyone!). I hope he remembers these years, and takes this experience with him. I hope that it guides his choices, and his personality, and his outlook on the world.

Being a feminist, I recognize his privilege. Being a white feminist, I have to check my own. And I also have to recognize that I am going to FIGHT his privilege and educate him on it for his whole life. That's my job as his feminist mom.

But it also my job to listen to him. Answer his questions. Or just shuttup and listen. And from what I hear so far, these boys in his class are just other boys to him. They are not brown boys, or asian boys, or Arabic boys. They are just boys. I have high hopes for his generation, and so far so good.

***
Please note: I have been reading a lot of feminist literature online lately from writers of all backgrounds. I want to learn more and try my hand at contributing to their presence. Amateurishly for now, but we'll see right? Constructive criticism and comments always welcome!!!!

Internet Love

Alien Contact - A Comic on Gender Roles

Click on the link to read the entire comic. There are no boobies pictured. I promise.

xo Lisa

NSFW (Cause it's got cartoon boobies)

I have been reading ALL the #YesAllWoman tweets, inspired/enraged/demanded by the shootings that took place in California last weekend.

I have so many thoughts about all that has been said. ALL THE THOUGHTS!

But instead of an editorial from my keyboard, I thought I would share this lovely comic with you.

source...this gal's Tumblr is amaze-vaginas.

I might be back with a "rant" of my own, but so many people who are much more eloquent than I have spoken out about this movement and I am still not sure what I could add...

p.s I think I need to post more cartoon boobies here

proud to be a feminist and supporter of all the gender & sex indentifiers.
Lisa

p.s. I saw a drawing of a lesbian mermaid online today and it is the best thing ever